sakimAko

..i hate everything that reminds me of you!..

i hate hearing your voice!..

i hate you more when you beg for another chance..

i hate you most when you say how much you loved me..

I tried to forget everything but it’s not that easy!..

I tried to be the same person you knew..but I just can’t stand it..

I hate J..

I hate M!!..

I hate you!..

I hate You!!..

                      -F@#*!!!!!

..at this very moment, I wanna be blown away by the wind and just fade forever..wish I was deaf not to hear everything.coz undeniably,the truth really hurts..:(..Though I’m expecting it, still it’s painful..i don’t know what to do.,i felt like cryig but no tears would fall..i can’t hardly breathe..something stucked inside of my windpipe..i’m just soOo broken..I don’t know if I should be thankful that he admitted his mistakes or not??…what a mess!..what have I done to make me suffer like this??..wish that a simple sorry could mend the pain but it’s not..wish that a simple candy could wipe away the tears but it’s just not!..It’s really hard..he just acted like nothing happened..It was too easy for him to just blurt everything out like that was just an ordinary one. He said he loved me but he lied and tricked me..how selfish..:(..

the painful thing here is..while i’m suffering this shit ..i got no one to turn on to..:(..it’s so hard keeping everything to my self..:(

Slowly,everything became so visible now..The things you were trying to hide away from me find ways to show its real beauty..How does it feel deceiving me??—again..Questions sink into my thoughts..should I confront you or not??..Should I continue beleving the lies or what?..I’m confused..I want answers but i’m not ready for the pain it would caused me..I want the whole truth but i’m just too afraid to find out everything..your words,it soothes me..but i dont know which of those are lies..I dont wanna live like this..I just want my life back..im getting tired of this pretentious relationship..and i’m getting tired of loving you..:(

engaged in a fantasy where there’s no way out..haven as what I call..down here I could be me..the rebel me..down here I could do anything I want..no do’s and don’ts..no doubts..no expectations..everything was all about me..all about what’s inside of me..i was intrigued by the faceless angel that I met..I followed him..everywhere he goes i’m there..what a sanctuary..as I followed his path I encountered two signboards..which say ” me <-” or “-> them”..I stopped..and I was confused..i don’t wanna let you go but I can’t live without them..this faceless angel tricked me..I decided the path which says them..i watched him walked away..i guess  time would show us that things are much better in reality than in fantasy..

..you’re driving me closer to you..healing this broken mess inside..everyday is a new day..every second is a moment to cherish..Lighting every darkest part of my life..what kind of candle are you??..you shine so bright amongst them.. illuminating the path i’m walking on..igniting two shattered hearts..who were trying hard to accept the differences..pointing out each flawses to make it right..one word is enough to lift up my day..another laugh is too much..You’re just the best guy i ever had..:)

..he’s already sleeping..and the phone wasn’t hung-up.. I’ve been addicted to the sound of his breathing..Imagining what he would looked like when he’s unconsciously lying in his bed..I wanna hear the beat of his heart and the inhale and exhale thing..In a simple unexplainable way that tormented me not to look away..The thirst for another piece of him grew longer..It just tightened the bond between us..I can’t move..I can’t control this thing..An unseen force from him manipulating my soul and sucking the deepest part of my self..transforming me into a person soo madly in love to a guy like him..I just can’t resist it anymore..I’m infected by this virus..and no tool ever invented could remove this one..It’s so powerful that it made me so weak..It’s a curse..and i’m gonna live with it for the rest of my life..this guy just changed my life..

..the world is spinning around..My mind couldn’t process what i’m reading..ei!!..i’m tryin hard to study my lessons..and damn!!..i’m in soo much pain!..why do I have to feel this shitty thing??..It’s disturbing my peaceful world!..arg!!..I could feel the contractions within..gosh!!..i’m bleeding again!!..I hate this molecular compounds called prostaglandins and other inflammatory mediators because they are thought to be the reason why I’m feelin this damn shit..experiencing pains or cramps or watever description you may think..I just hate it..argggg!!!…contractions again!!..blood blood blood!!..

..who would ever imagined that this creature could sing?.not the kind of sound you always hear on radios..I got 11 records here in my phone..and 4 of it were from him..singing..the 1st one was pangako sau..2nd was wag mo na sana..3rd was stay..and the 4th one was crazy for u..I used to listen to this “records” whenever i’m bored..coz this things would always made me smile..if an ordinary person would listen to this crap i’m 100% sure that he would turn off the phone and describe the sound as “disastrous” or “noise”.hahah..if you would listen to this you would think that maybe..maybe there’s something wrong with him or maybe he’s drunk or what??..ahahahahah..he’s murdering the song..singing it to a different beat/tone..hahahahaah..but despite of all this stupid noise..I still love it and made me want him more..:)..

..he’s calling me what???..that damn word “w****”..I also saw that word on the profile that caused me this soo much misery..is this hints??or what??..gosh!!..i’m finding it hard to breathe..something stacked inside my windpipe..of all words why that one?..I am trying to forget that shitty memory but there you are reminding me again..I hate you for doin that..You’re such a pain!!..just can’t take this anymore!!..

..Last night I was so “not-myself”.I said we should moved-on..we should forget that thing..but I was just so stupid.making my own pains.worsening it.I ended up looking at it again.and there I was teary-eyed and grieving.I just can’t believed why I saw this.I blame myself for my curiosity. I shouldn’t have dig more info’s. I shouldn’t have done it.I hate to know that it was my fault why I was feeling this shit.I just don’t know what to do.I entered this thing not ready for the consequences that might happened.I ran into conclusions that led me to realize that maybe I should stop this craziness..but I can’t and I don’t want to..I slept late.around 5 in the morning and after an hour of sleep..I realized maybe I should take risks..As what Paolo Coelho says..”“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.””..hai naku!!..what a life!!..